IFEATU'S BUS CHRONICLE: CHOP OR GET CHOPPED IN THE YELLOW BUS

I am one of the small fraction of people who could show at your office on a Monday, wearing my sneakers and beaming the biggest smile because I feel extremely comfortable.

This was perhaps the same mindset of the conductor in my bus this morning. The conductor is a lady dressed in brown combat shorts, a black polo and a black baseball cap to match.

No, she didn't have a coarse voice but the way she went about canvassing for passengers and helping them with their luggage made the job look graceful.

For a second, I forgot everything I ever knew about being a conductor in Lagos. This is one of the many surprises, Lagos gifts you.

To shock you further, the lady conductor's husband was the driver. We were in an official 'Family Bus.'

I was running late. I took intermittent glances at my wristwatch. This was definitely not the mornings that I could boast of being an early bird. My body had succumbed to the 'body no be firewood' gimmick. Few more minutes into the time and the sprinting bus pulled up at the junction in front of us to allow a middle aged man in a military uniform.

The bus eased forward on the remnant of the once tarred road, taking turns to dabble into pot holes till it got on a smoother surface. "Your money!" The conductor stretched her palms and passengers graced her palms with their naira notes.

"Oga, your money!" she stretched her palms towards the man dressed in a military uniform.

"I be officer. Abi, you no look me? he shot back at her.

"Leave am, na officer" her husband pacified her.

In Lagos, there is an unwritten law that a Military or Paramilitary officer is entitled to a free ride. Drivers had used me during my NYSC period to scare agberos away.

"Officer dey here o," they 'd say. I would be dressed in my khaki and looking fierce. Yes, I am such a clown. One peep in the car by the Agberos and they scurried away. Some drivers and conductors were that mischievous.

We drove for few more minutes then a familiar voice registered his alighting.

"Under bridge, o wa o" the military man announced and slided down the bus and hurriedly crossed over the road.

One fast glance at the man will tell you that the man was never a military man. He was just a mechanic wearing a branded automobile company shirt in black trousers, a beret, and bathroom slippers.

"Oga, come give me my money. Ole!" the female conductor yelled.

The middle aged man stole a quick side-eye glance and hastened his steps.

"Hol' am!" a huge guy seated in the front seat hollered and the man took to his heels.

There was a roar of laughter but 'Aunty Conductor' was certainly not having it.

Fake Military Guy 1 Vs Aunty Conductor 0

A letter from John

My bucket hat donned my head. It served the scorching sun right, my scalp was not one to be burnt for no offense. I relaxed my tired body against the board of the trawler. James yelled at me, "Don't just sit there and watch I and father. We will still catch some fishes, you can't just lose hope",he seemed to say. I peered at him through the corner of my eyes and closed them again. I felt cold water being sprinkled on me and I jerked up. It was father, I had no choice but stand up and join James.. I was not a man who wanted too many things. All I wanted was to catch some fishes yet the little things kept hiding and refusing to walk into the loving embrace of my fishing net. I may not desire many things but I sure desired to be loved not the kind of erotic love some of those Samaritan women would profess to men who lust after whore mongering. I sought for a love that was pure and chaste. A type that I couldn't even explain. I sought to be loved deeply by G...

WHY I WON'T BE BUYING ANYTHING AGAIN FOR A LIFETIME

Heads up, people! Walking into a shop to purchase an item does not look appealing to me anymore. This is one of my decisions for the new year being that if something is not worth it then there is no point buying it especially trying to impress another fellow. I have chosen to stick to buying experiences rather 'things.' One of my observation is that experiences cannot be stolen or compromised. They stick like your gum sap sticks to a tree. So maybe before you buy that expensive Emporio Armani wristwatch or Jimmy Choo shoes, it might be imperative to checkmate if there are experiences that same amout can buy you. Don't get me wrong, it is as clear as crystal that you need to shop for clothings, food, phones or luxury from time to time but bear in mind that your happiness can't be tied to any item. That vibe you get is nothing but a fleeting one . “One of the enemies of happiness is adaptation,” Thomas Gilovich reveals. “We buy ...

Mrs Woobag

Call her Woobag! He wooed her to make her a bag Whose mouth has been gagged A slum bag filled with punches Wearied with abuses in bunches Despised punching bag! Lengthy love letters turned assassination letters Man-handled by the man who gave her love's handle Love remains blind till it gains sight Woobag's face tells the story when his fury kindle Who will bring you down from that scary height? Fair face turned blue Kicks and slaps await you on a queue Upon your monster's punch tune You disappear in a ruin Your monster The master in feminine batter Who like a lobster Clinched your soul with claws till it splatter Your phlegm-trickling nose seeds Watch the master's deeds Innocence robbed Will there ever be a refund? Woobag! You await the right time and cry in a bag You may not become an old hag Till your bridled tongue you wag.

JENNIE IFEATU

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